


The Hands That Save

by yaminika (kurayaminika)



Series: Eruri Drabbles [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bullying, Depression, M/M, Mention of Death, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 17:04:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15867942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurayaminika/pseuds/yaminika
Summary: The perfect Erwin Smith, the one who held out his hands to help others, isn't perfect after all.And Levi is the miracle that Erwin could never ask for.





	The Hands That Save

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Please read the tags before going into the fanfic. I would not want my readers to be uncomfortable with anything. If there is some suggestion for tag, please write it down in the comment below.
> 
> Please forgive any grammar mistakes. I will try harder next time.

Being view as a perfect man is a blessing and a curse.

At a young age, Erwin was expected to be kind and intelligent. Those are the two characteristics that all parents wanted their children to have. It's only normal. In fact, everyone should be kind and study hard to be intelligent. Wanting to please his parents, Erwin behaved as he told. The young toddler always helped his friends or teachers in absolutely anything. Erwin even asked a janitor once if he needed help with cleaning. It was cute, the principal said. Then, he earned the titles of a "perfect child". The young man couldn't be prouder. Erwin learned that as long as he achieved the things that people expected of him, he's a good person.

When Erwin entered middle school, his expectations increased. But it wasn't much, Erwin thought. After all, the only extra things he needed to do was getting straight A and joined some sports or club activities. It was easy, no difficulty. The talented young man studied and tried hard days and nights to make the perfect scores that his parents wanted, and he did. A bit of dark circle under his eyes is completely fine. After all, he did what he was told. There shouldn't be any problems.

At the end of middle school, Erwin learned that keep on studying and being an active student will give him good result. Losing a bit of sleep is acceptable. It's a must. It's better to be a good person.

When he reached high school, more expectations had been dumped on him. Not only being kind, intelligent and active straight-A student is needed, but he also needed to be a leader. Be the president of the Student Council, his father said. That will get him into any good colleges. Be the president of the Honor Clubs, his mother said. That way his application will look good. Join more clubs, Erwin. Make yourself known, Erwin. Have more connections, Erwin. Interact more with friends, Erwin. Make yourself dependable, Erwin. Oh, but also please complete today's homework and get perfect scores in the next test, alright?

Oh, and also-

Don't fight back, don't cry, don't tell anyone. Just man up and take their beatings. Just talk it out. That'll show them who is more mature. They'll get bored eventually. Do NOT show them any weaknesses.

Except none of it stop until he graduated. Talking it out didn't work. They just told him to shut up and mocked him for being a coward because he didn't fight back. But if he fought back, it wouldn't be the right move. It wouldn't be mature.

Never once Erwin wore short sleeves shirts even when it was one-hundred degree outside. His parents asked, he said he liked the fashion.

He won many awards and scholarships. The whole school cheered, generically clapping because they had to. Some didn't know Erwin, some did. And those who did didn't clap. Teachers, and even a famous CEO came to congratulate him for his achievements. They each shook his hand, acknowledging him for his accomplishments. That handshakes confirmed everything Erwin had been fighting for, but he felt nothing special. He forced a smile and said a speech that his father prepared for him for the ceremony and walked down the stage.

He knew among those students that he had reached out to, more than half of them resented him. Among these teachers, who is truly proud of him? Does this CEO even care? Will the college that he got accepted to remember his achievements in the next few years? What was he working so hard for? Why did others hate him even though he helped them? Why must he succumb to the beating? Why can't he wear short-sleeve shirts anymore? Why-

Was it because he wasn't good enough?

No. No doubt, Erwin. Be kind, be intelligent, be strong, and be perfect. That's the kind of person he is supposed to be, so don't doubt why. If those made him a good human, then he shouldn't ask why.

At the end of high school, Erwin learned that asking for help is an unkind act because he might be bothering people, and it's a sign of weakness. Weakness isn't perfect.

He must never show weakness.

But he knew he was weak, and he hated himself for it, so he has to be stronger.

 

* * *

 

When Erwin had his first B- test score in his first year of college, he thought he wasn’t good enough to be good again. His qualification for the student of the year in high school is nothing but a fraud. His mother gripped on his shoulder tightly and stopped Erwin’s trembled when he arrived home. She whispered “If you are scared, you are weak. Keep studying. If not you are a failu-” Erwin’s mind stopped halfway at the word. He shook his head to discard the word. He hated failures. He had to keep going.

 

* * *

 

 

The second year of college was the first time Erwin experienced something that shocked him. This short raven-haired male was the first person to reject his help. With several words of insults, the man pushed Erwin away and brought his stuff inside the dorm room all by himself.

"Do you think I am short, and therefore, I couldn't bring the boxes myself or something? Just because you’re tall, doesn't mean you have to pity me or some shit-" The male growled at Erwin like an angry black cat before putting two boxes on his shoulder at once. "Fucking hell, you are as tall as a big ass tree."

Erwin blinked his eyes, not knowing how to react. Not only he felt utterly helpless for being unable to help, but he also felt bad for making his new roommate think that he was insulting him. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way, I was just thinking that you could use a hand because those boxes look heavy and-"

"Fuck’s sake, calm down. You look like you just killed someone. It's not that big of a deal, I'm just being a dick. Sorry, but you gonna have to suck it up." The new roommate looked away and huffed. The truth is that this man was just too insecure about this height, but was too afraid to admit it. "Anyway, the name is Levi. You?"

"Erwin. Erwin Smith." The blond answered timidly, still itching to help this man somehow. "We are going to be roommates, so uhm... if you need help with anything. Please do ask. I will always help you."

"Doubt it, but thanks." With a curt reply, the raven-haired went back to organize his things.

He made him feel bad. He fucked up already. He is a bad person. He made Levi hate him. He needed to solve it. He needed to show him he is good--

"Hey Earth to Blondie!" Levi yelled again and sighs "What the hell is up with you staring at the wall? You are offering help so I’m asking you to help me with this box on top of the closet for me." He gave him his box that was carefully taped up. "This dorm room is built for giants, I swear. One closet cannot be this fucking tall."

Erwin grabbed the box and nodded eagerly putting the box on top of the higher shelves for Levi. "There! All set!" The blond was happy again since he is able to help Levi do something. It eased his heart a little that his Levi was depending on him and didn't hate him. "If there are anything else, just tell me!" It's his job to help his new roommate, after all. Without him, who else can it be?

"Oh right, I forgot," Erwin turned to Levi and gave him a kind smile, "Nice to meet you!" The man reached out his hand for Levi to shake. Levi shook back, and a contract of friendship was sealed. One more responsibility added into Erwin's palms.

 

* * *

 

One morning, Levi woke up to see Erwin was still awake at two AM. When he asked, Erwin said someone online needed help with homework so they emailed him late. Then Levi remembered Erwin worked a tutor. Who the fuck emailed their tutor at two AM, and why the fuck would Erwin be willing to respond?

 

* * *

 

 

"Can you just...keep to your own?" Levi growled almost like an angry cat, "I mean, for the entire week, you just cannot keep your nose out of my business." The raven-haired male slammed the textbooks on the table and took in a deep breath. "Look, I know you are a nice guy. But what is up with you offering help for every damn three seconds-"

"It's not every three seconds- I just-"

"Well, it's nearly every three seconds" Levi replied curtly and twitched his eyebrows. Yes, the man knew Erwin is a kind person, and he's being a dick, but at the same time, does he look that fragile that Erwin can't even let him do his own homework? "The last time I checked, the college set me up with a roommate, not a tutor. I mean, you are a tutor but- Oh fuck it."

Erwin stayed silent at that. He didn't know what else to say. He just didn't want to be uncaring or unkind. He doesn't want to be seem as useless and just watch his friend struggled.

One more cut on the arm for you, Smith, for not being able to help your friend.

The blond stayed so quiet, Levi almost felt bad for the man. He knew he was harsh, but maybe he went too overboard? Even so, Levi still doesn't really appreciate someone coming onto his face at least more than ten times per day asking to help him when he's capable of trying it himself.

"Hey..." Levi scratched the back of his head and looked down at Erwin. "You are gloomier than me now because I rejected your help? Gosh, you are something-" No, that's not what he wanted to say. "Thanks for the offer, but I don't need it. I'll ask when I need you, okay?"

Erwin just nodded and accepted the rejection.

He just want to help. He just wanted to be kind. He just want to be good enough for his friends...He needed to be dependable and perfect. What is he doing wrong?

The blond went back to fidget with his hands. It was a habit that Levi didn't understand about Erwin. The blond kept rubbing his palms and fingers and looked around while trying to breathe. It was like he was missing something in his hand, but at the same time, he has too much.

 

* * *

 

Walking through the campus, Levi had met Erwin three times. But they didn't have any chances to talk because Erwin was too busy helping people.

At eight in the morning, he lead someone to the advisor's room, even though he can just show the person the map nearby. Erwin's class was at eight fifteen. The advisor's room was twenty minutes away from their dorm.

At noon, Erwin was helping a disabled person ordering food from the cafeteria. Since they didn't have enough money, he paid for them.

At five in the afternoon, the blond helped a lost puppy back to his owner. "What the hell..." was the only thing Levi can only muttered out of confusion.

 

* * *

 

 

"I am going to fail. I can't do this..." Erwin was in the verge of panic. He was sweating slightly as both of his hands trembled. "I will fail...I will fail...I won't be able to do anything else..."

"Calm down. You'll do fine..." Levi sipped on his tea and frowned at Erwin. It didn't take long for Levi to notice something was strange about Erwin. For a person who was properly diagnosed with OCD, Levi thought Erwin seems to be more of perfectionist than he is. Maybe not at repetitive actions, but at...everything. Every single aspect of Erwin's schedule was on point. Late for one second, and the blond would murmur something about "being a failure at easy task". At least Levi can cope in his own way. Erwin seems like a lost man.

It amazed but disturbed Levi at the same time.

"You got perfect score last time, remember? This is just a small test. Even if you get a B, you still pass the class. That's all it mattered"

"No...No...I can't just overlook it. I have to be able to figure this problem out-"

"Just go to tutoring session...they are still open until lat-"

"NO!" Erwin screamed suddenly, causing the smaller man to flinch. Levi gulped slightly and stare at the blond, wondering if the man is actually okay. He didn't seems like it.

"Oi, Erwin...calm down. I'm just suggesting." Levi actually stood up and walked over to Erwin, making sure the man didn't shut down or anything. That was when Levi noticed Erwin was trembling. His eyes stared at the books below him, but he wasn't looking at it. He was staring at something else. Erwin looked as if he was near death, but at the same time, he was holding back his fear. He was frozen in fear, but his calm expression.

 

Erwin passed the test with a ninety-five percent. He had the highest score out of everyone in the class. Levi thought the blond would be happy, but Erwin shook his head.

"It could have been one hundred percent..." Erwin shook his head and stared at the paper, eyes filled with discontent "It was...such...simple mistakes..."

"You are going to sleep, I am not going to let you murmuring like a mad man" Levi dragged him to his bed and tossed him up there. "There, now go the fuck to sleep. You didn't get any for two fucking weeks."

"But-"

"Shut the fuck up. Sleep." Levi groaned at the tired blond, but his words weren't harsh at all.

This was when Levi started to wonder Erwin's perfectionist mindset. Because he knew this is wrong. This was very wrong.

Erwin hid his hands under the blanket protectively. He was trying to stop his shaking, but it seems like he was protecting a life.

 

* * *

 

Levi was genuinely getting sick of Erwin’s ranting about his fear of not being able to do anything for success in life. The blond just won’t shut up about his irrational feelings. To Levi, it was rather a childish fear. They both are so young. They can accomplish anything. Sure, time might seems a bit limited, but there are so many older people who went to college, in hope they can turn their life around. Levi himself dropped out of high school, and yet he is still here in college. His advice to Erwin was “Let life take you. The future is uncertain, so focus on what you can do”. However, the raven afraid that his words had went through Erwin’s ears, considered how the blond’s hands always trembled at least three times per week.

 

* * *

 

The entire fund raised of the student's council was a success. Everyone knew about it. Erwin was the planner, the article said. They will have more fun events now, and everyone was eager to see what the new semester will bring them.

Levi flipped through the pages as he reads through his roommate's achievements. Not that he didn't know about it, but there was so much more Erwin refused to tell him. "A perfect student" One of the bookstore's employee said. "His parents must be so proud to have son like that. He even came here and helped with the shop for free sometimes. Everyone should be like him." Levi snorted.

 

* * *

 

 

Erwin denied every single of Levi's words of comfort. Levi was shit at people's situation, but for once, the raven's word made sense.

"No one is perfect, Erwin. You cannot save your parents from here. It's not your fault"

The smell of the hospital made Levi sicks. But for his friend, he went along with Erwin. Skipping classes once in a while is okay. Especially for situation like this. Erwin had no one left. At least that's what Levi knew.

Levi lost his mother at a young age. It had been more than a decade for him. He can get over his parents' death. But Erwin had to suffer through it when he spends his entire life knowing who his parents was. A tragic accident that no one asked for, had given Erwin a rock worth countless of weights into his hands. The blond rubbed his palms again. He almost scratched himself until he bleed.

"If...If I didn't ask them to come and pick me up...to bring me to the therapist...and be honest about my problems..." Erwin whispered "This would have...never happened..."

Levi intervened immediately, not letting his roommate fall deeper than this. For the past year he knew Erwin, Levi saw Erwin's kindness. But he also witness how fragile his soul truly is. Erwin did his good deeds and tried to achieve everything to validate himself. Levi doesn't know Erwin's past, but he knew something had condition the man to be this way. No normal human deemed themselves as a failure for eternity because they are unable to achieve a perfect score in class. Levi didn't meant self-critique. What Erwin did wasn't self-critique. It was borderline suicidal.

"Erwin. Their accident was NOT your fault!" The raven almost raised his voice. But he needs to make sure that Erwin listened to him.

The blond stopped crying. His eyes became dulls, hands stopped trembling and rubbing each other. Levi shook him a little and tried to get a reaction out of Erwin. But the man had shut down.

 

* * *

 

It took Levi at least five months or more (Levi lost tracks) to get Erwin back to his normal life with a normal eating schedule. Suddenly, Erwin didn't even care about school anymore. It was as if everything he achieved had been toss into the trash bin. His grade dropped. He didn't study. Erwin even dropped his sport team and his other elective classes. He didn't even rub his hands. Levi was glad he is no longer harsh with himself about everything. But he also understand without a purpose, Erwin was nothing but a broken doll, barely functioning. Suddenly, the need to make this man a human again arise inside his chest.

Levi didn't know why.

 

* * *

 

 

"Stay still" Levi bandaged Erwin's wrists and tried to calm his nerves down. He wasn't angry. He was nervous. But he knew he can't be an ass now, not after something this happened. "What would have happened if I didn't walk in the room?"

"It's not the first time, so I will be fin-"

"Of fucking course NOT!" With a harsh glare, Levi gritted his teeth. This bastard actually said it's fine? "How the fuck is this fine to you?"

No words came out of Erwin. Levi just wanted an explanation.

"Can you promise me...not to do this again?" Levi asked gently once again and rubbed his wounds slightly.

Silent again.

"Erwin...two years ago, every single day of your life, you asked me if I needed any help. I reject every single one of your offer" Levi whispered "This might be selfish of me, but will you accept my offer to help you?"

The blond frowned, opened his lips to say something, but he closed it again. Seeking for help is a strange concept. It was a sign of weakness. A sign that he is flawed.

"No one is perfect" Levi continued as he snapped Erwin out of his mind. "I know what you are thinking. It took me a while to get it, but I did. Being perfect isn't easy, Erwin. Because it isn't real. It cannot be achieve. You are a smart man who can achieve anything, but you can't play God."

Erwin's palms opened. He didn't realized he was clenching them. Levi took the blond's hands into his owns and squeeze it tightly. For the first time, Erwin looked down. He finally realized how empty his hands really were. He had no purpose. He didn't do anything for himself. He has a hand full of responsibilities and burdens, at the same time, he had nothing.

"Validation sometimes have to come from yourself, not from how others see you, Erwin. Fuck what the others has to see. If they can't accept your flaws, then they aren't people worth to be with" A sight of life appeared in Erwin's eyes "We create goals, we find passions, we make mistakes, and we accept them. That's how we human are. If there is a will, there is a way. We takes time for everything, Erwin. Let not rush it."

Erwin saw a light he needed for the first time in twenty-four years. The light that melted the rocks on his shoulder, and broke the cuff on his wrist. Levi was the savior that let Erwin released the burdens in his hand of helping others. The blond let a drop of tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed madly, leaning his forehead onto his roommate's shoulder. This time, he isn't alone anymore, as Levi will teach him how to save himself.

And Erwin gratefully accepted it.

**Author's Note:**

> this is as sad and ded as my soul


End file.
